Dear God,
I just don’t get it. I know that what David did to me was
wrong. But, I am a Christian, and I forgave him. Really I did. In my
heart and in public I forgave him.
I really did forgive him God, but
why did you have to? I know that you are forgiving, and I knew that you
would forgive David. But, why do I feel betrayed by you when he takes
communion in church? Why then do I get angry when he shows up at FCA?
Why can’t I get past thinking of him as a hypocrite?
I really did
forgive him God, but why does that terrible night haunt my heart,
destroy my dreams, and scare my soul? Why God, does forgiveness not fix
all of that. Is it because I’m angry? No, I’m not angry God, I’m
damaged; I’m hurt; I’ve been forever changed.
I really did forgive
him God, but why do I feel so sad? Shouldn’t you come into my heart and
heal the hurt? Isn’t that your job as God? Did you heal his heart? Was
his heart even hurt? Why doesn’t forgiveness fix all of this?
I
really did forgive him God, but why can’t I forget? I can’t forget the
pain and the embarrassment. I can’t forget the fear. I can’t forget. Why
does the event of that one night affect everything I do so many days,
weeks, months and years later?
I really did forgive him God, but will you now forgive me? Please?
--Jennifer
This
thing called Grace is a funny thing. It happens when we least expect
it, and it happens to people who we don’t think deserve it. Think of
all the times you’ve said, “Oh I forgive You”, all the while secretly
hoping that God will “get ‘em” the next moment. We watch someone speed
by us on the interstate and secretly hope that they get pulled over. We
look at bad things that happen, and say “God could never forgive THOSE
people”. In Jennifer’s letter to God, David was one of “THOSE” people.
The young woman sincerely thought she had forgiven, but she didn’t think
that God should have. Somehow we have come to the conclusion that only a
select group of people is worthy of God’s grace. We’re wrong. You see,
this thing called Grace is truly a funny thing.
We have no say over
who is worthy and who isn’t. Jonah was sure the Ninevites weren’t worthy
of salvation. He was so sure of the fact that that he didn’t even want
to deliver God’s message to them. Jonah didn’t want the Ninevites to
have the smallest chance of salvation. Even after the Grace God had
shown Jonah, Jonah could not believe in the possibility of grace for
“THOSE people”. But, the joke was on Jonah. In the letter, Jennifer was
quite sure that God would not forgive David. After God saved her from
potential tragedy, she couldn’t bring herself to allow God to forgive
“THAT” person who did “THAT” thing. She didn’t understand that wasn’t
her decision to make. Jonah had no say over who was worthy, Jennifer had
no say over who was worthy, and quite frankly, WE have no say over who
is worthy.
God’s grace is universal, indiscriminate, and perfect. It
transcends all of the earthly limitations we try to put on it. Grace
is bigger and better than we are. This is a hard pill to swallow, but we
must. God does forgive “THOSE” people. The truth is: We ARE “THOSE”
people. We ARE the Ninevites and Davids of this world. You can look at
it one of two ways: Everyone is worthy of Grace, or No one is worthy of
Grace. Either way you look at it, you cannot escape that God forgives.
And God DOES forgive. Regardless of whether we want forgiveness to
happen, it happens. And to ask God to do otherwise, would be asking God
to stop being God. Jonah did not want God to be God, and neither did
Jennifer. They both wanted what they thought was ultimate justice. But,
they didn’t understand that the perfection of God’s grace mirrors the
perfection of God’s justice. Everyone receives equal treatment before
God. EVERYONE. That is the perfection of God’s grace.
Despite this
perfection, we have a little trouble dealing with it when God forgives
someone seemingly undeserving—when God does forgive “THOSE” people. Face
it; we don’t like to forgive. For humanity, Grace is complicated and
messy. Practicing it might mean opposing the death penalty, or forgiving
terrorism. Certainly if we can’t forgive, we don’t want God to either.
In this way we are like Jonah. He was quite sure that the Ninevites did
not deserve to be saved. He got so angry with God for forgiving “THOSE”
people that he went out in the desert to pout. Jonah just did not
understand that his understanding of forgiveness didn’t quite fit with
God’s perfect Grace. Jennifer too was like Jonah. She was able to
forgive (or so she thought), but she did not want God to do so. Her
anger and frustration were expressed in her letter to God. Maybe we
don’t express our confusion or anger like Jonah or Jennifer, but really
we are the same way. -Perhaps we should instead stop being Jonah-ish,
come out of our pouting place, and face the fact that God’s grace is
inescapable and indiscriminate. No one can hide from the beautiful
perfection of God’s Grace—not Jonah, not Jennifer, not “THOSE” people,
not us.
Maybe this same grace of God can give US the grace to
forgive, too. We can be a people of Grace. We can forgive one another;
we CAN forgive “Those” people. We never really find out whether Jonah
learned this lesson or not. I know for a fact that Jennifer did learn
this lesson. After years of prayer, counseling, and inner turmoil, she
did truly forgive David and learn to accept that God had forgiven her.
She finally began to understand how God works. Yes, we CAN forgive
“THOSE” people. In doing so, we begin to practice grace in our own
lives. But, as humans we’ve got to realize that we are incapable of
God’s perfect Grace. That doesn’t mean that perfect grace shouldn’t be
our goal. The long road to grace will be messy and complicated, so maybe
we could start small. Try to forgive those in your circle of influence
who have wronged you. If you are able to forgive, then take another
step. Forgive someone who wronged you long ago; forgive someone who
wronged a member of your family. Practice random acts of kindness. Say
please and thank you. Start living your life as a child of Grace. If you
do, you will find that your heart grows stronger. Mahatma Ghandi once
said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the
strong.” Be strong.